February 23rd, 2010 at 4:51 pm
(Thoughts)
Sitting here waiting for the doctor’s office to phone me about my allergy test results or for a sheaf of papers to appear in the mail. A large sheaf of papers. I still have the original sheaf of papers from my first needle-poking extravaganza… somewhere. I grew out of some of those allergies, thank the deities not currently plagued with hemorrhoids. I’m anticipating being allergic to some new things, truth be told. Probably corn or soy in addition to milk. Holpfully not eggs. I would rather not be allergic to corn, since food companies slip high fructose corn syrup into everything they get a chance to and ditto with some form of soy. I sort of have a plan about soy but corn will be a beast to rid myself of as we use corn cat litter and Eloric loves him some corn chips. I have used xanthan gum in baked goods and although it’s not considered contaminated by corn, I’m terribly sensitive to allergens, so I’d have to pitch it as well.
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February 5th, 2010 at 12:28 am
(Thoughts)
I’ve cooked more in the last two weeks than I have since I first got married- You know, back when I thought I absolutely had to cook everything or fail at life. I’ve roasted gardens of garlic, tried lamb for the first time, got poisoned by an innocent-looking of supposedly free from everything bbq sauce, and I’ve generally had a good time. My house smells like I have a herd of Italian grandmothers running free-range through it.
So the bbq sauce incident- I’m still waiting for that crap to leave my system. When the sites you read say that you really DO care about shared equipment or shared facilities: BELIEVE THEM. I’m usually good with shared equipment with gluten. Oy veh, not with caesin. My bbq sauce was not made with any evil ingredients but it was made in a facility that shared space with evil ingredients and hoo-boy did cross contamination happen. So while my first go at pulled pork was technically a success, it was epic fail in that I managed to poison myself anyway. Originally, I thought I was feeling off because a house burned down to the foundations the same day in town, since burning houses give off all sorts of horrible chemicals and such. But then I decided it was the sauce. So from now on, if I don’t want to make my own bbq sauce (and I don’t), I’m going to have to order it from allergygrocer.com.
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January 28th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
(Thoughts)
I’ve been eating GFCF for about a week now. It is both less and at the same time more of a pain in the rear than I had thought it would be originally. Allow me to explain: It is less of a pain in that I was avoiding a lot of milk products instinctively beforehand. It is more of a pain in that 1) I now freak out over undeclared caesin/milk on labels WAY more than I ever freaked out about wheat/gluten, 2) Suddenly I have to worry about calcium far more than I ever wanted to, 3) Selection is very limited here in podunk.
I do feel better. I’m having less anxiety but that might have to do with my new BCP as much as the diet… although I do have more anxiety praying to whichever deity who likes me today that I won’t run into undeclared dairy or read labels wrong because that wheezing is fkn SCARY and it happens with such rapidity that I’m far less adventurous than I was when I was just worrying about gluten. I mean Starbucks’ cafe mocha should be totally caesin-free if made with soymilk if you leave off the whipped cream…. but I don’t trust them to keep it free of cross contamination. I’ve totally been crapping my pants about cross contamination so I refuse to eat out. That respiratory involvement is causing me to be way more phobic than a little diarrhea, blisters, abdominal pain, and farts of death ever did in the past.
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March 17th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
(Thoughts, WoW)
I finally visited Mother last week. It just all finally got to me and I felt so guilty that I went over there. The polite fiction that she never hurt me or acted like a jerk is again firmly in place. Time has worn the edges off the pain of it but still, there was another layer of disappointment added to the things that have built up ever since I realised (very long ago) that, while she can handle others’ feelings and shortcomings, she will never truly be able to handle or understand mine. Random Deity, this sounds sort of like what I was writing back in 2005 when Ida went apeshit on me. The more things change, the more they really stay the same, random proverb *choke*
Oh, and I just noticed that Dad’s birthday is tomorrow. Good mood gone.
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August 7th, 2008 at 5:33 am
(Friends, Thoughts, WoW)
I haven’t been around much, to be very honest. I’ve been ill with some mysterious sinus bug that has already outlived some monster horse pill action.
WoW has begun to bore me. The biggest kick I get out of it at the moment is the wondrous feeling I get “fleecing” people on a server that is not my home server. When I say “fleecing” what I really mean is taking advantage of the new laziness and ignorance people have. Now that dailies have brought in a great influx of gold, people won’t hesitate to spend 3 gold a pop on a stack of copper bars, 26+ gold on a stack of cooked deviate fish, or to pay an inflated price for agile boots they can go get for under 50 silver with little to no effort. This is good for someone who has no reserve of money on a new server but murder when you want to buy things like wool, which has been going upwards of 4.5 gold a stack. I cackle to myself every time I open my mail on my hunter. Our friend Fen laughs his butt off at me every time I tell him what I’ve been up to.
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February 18th, 2008 at 4:36 am
(Metaphysical, News, Thoughts)
I bought a bottle of spring water the other day in anticipation of both sunshine and the urge to make essences to happen on the same day. We went and saw Tom the other day and- finally- I managed to lay hands on a piece of crystalline rhodochrosite. I also grabbed a full necklace of cognac amber pebbles (with the excuse that I need to re-string my bracelet) and got a chunk of black tourmaline to replace the one that went missing some time ago. I have been having an inexplicable urge to add an aquamarine crystal to my collection. No clue why. Now- where to find one that isn’t extortionately priced…? I need also to think about getting more amber dropper bottles- between making tinctures and essences last year, I nearly ran through 20. They wouldn’t be so hard to keep on hand if it weren’t for the need for mother tincture, stock tincture, and treatment bottles.
I haven’t managed a whole ritual yet but I did set a small altar back up in the living room and I manage to light incense with intent once a day. I put a Quan Yin up and got out some of my stones for… an intention area, I guess. Something. I’ve been switching them out according to the energies I think I need in my life. I light a candle sometimes and put out rosewater sometimes. Believe me, this is a big step from where I was six months ago… or even three.
Let’s just get the painful/ironic stuff out of the way next.
Cut meh!
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January 4th, 2008 at 12:49 am
(Thoughts)
I suppose I ought to make some sort of goal post for 2008. I really can’t believe it is 2008 but then I’ve been stuck in 2003 for 5 years now, so that’s no surprise.
1) Grieve.
I suppose this might be redundant to mention but enh. I need to stop running from my grief. I’m moving through the process but not uh, in a fluid motion. I need to be more realistic about it and I think I need to write about it on paper. I have not written in my paper journal at all since about two weeks or so before my father died. While there is no deadline to grief and maybe I’m being unrealistic here, I need to start moving again.
2) Keep Moving
My grieving process has consisted of as many books, internet conversations, and WoW as possible, as much sleep as possible, and as little moving as possible because moving seems stupid for some reason. I started walking again, 20 minutes a day. It’s not what I used to do- all that dancing and tai’chi and whatnot- but I need to keep doing it. Somehow moving brings the grief to the surface, however, and that’s probably why I’m loathe to do it.
3) Reclaim my Spirituality
After Dad’s death, all spiritual endeavors have seemed hollow, silly, and sometimes a sham. I admit that I do not blame the gods for what happened but it seems like pretend games to try to talk to them as I used to. Prayer seems silly, ritual seems like play-acting, and to put it bluntly- it all seems like a waste of time and wishful thinking. When I look back on my spirituality I find myself wondering how I believed it worked. I guess this is another Dark Night of the Soul. I need to take baby steps and find my way back through the tangle of grief and anger. I feel cut off and unable to reach the spiritual part of myself. I probably am angry on some level that there was nothing I could do about/for my dad. I also think I am shielding myself from spiritual matters because letting them back in would bring my father as someone across the Veil rather than my flesh and blood father to me and I’m not ready to admit that he has crossed over.
4) Start Writing Again
NaNoWriMo 2007 was a spectacular failure. I was too busy running from my grief and too depressed to be able to carry out a story of that magnitude. I still believe that writing will ultimately be healing but in this current state of mind, I want to be entertained rather than think up my own entertainment. Perhaps if I set a goal of one short story every two weeks or so I might be able to choke them out again.
I think I am going to stop with four goals this year as I do tend to get overambitious but also because I need to make progress in order to feel happy. I think that some of this stuff is do-able. I’m not going to blog incessantly about my progress either. If I can manage any good progress I may mention it but I’m not as hyped up as I used to be about life. Perhaps this will move me towards that again.
November 21st, 2007 at 3:51 pm
(Thoughts)
This year if I could just get rid of the holiday season, I would. I have realised that as we draw closer and closer to that “happy time of the year” that I am not going to be able to get through it gracefully. If I get through it at all, it will be with a lot of help from Eloric and a large bottle of poppy tincture. *Note to self: Buy large bottle of poppy tincture* A lot of stuff has been unearthing itself lately, stuff I didn’t realise depressed me or angered me until it attacked me at 2am several days ago. I feel stupid and heartless for having some of this stuff bother me, since some of it is pretty damned irrational.
My priest friend’s father died two weeks ago and she gave vent to some of the things that were bothering her in game several days ago and it occurred to me that I too was pissed about these things. Granted, she has things much worse than I had them, for there is much, much more going on in her life but the anger was distressingly similar. We are both incensed at our mothers for not grieving more. As I said, on my part this is terribly irrational as I know that all people grieve differently, display grief differently, and so forth. However, in my case, though I know it is wonderfully stupid to hold this anger against my mother for appearing more unaffected by father’s death than I would like, but I’m pissed anyway. I know it is… what is the word… not compassionate? Unfeeling? Incorrect, certainly. Besides, it’s not for me to hold up a standard of how mother should appear to handle her emotions. But I’m still angry and that bothers me.
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