Father died tonight.
He did say goodbye to me today but he died without us there.
It is all surreal.
It was 10 days after he went into the hospital.
Visit
Went and saw father yesterday and he looks awful. I suppose there are worse ways to look but he is really jaundiced and his stomach is really bloated because of his enlarged liver. The sedation they had him on to install the port gave him extremely bad nausea and he was throwing up a lot. I’ve been told this is what to expect also from the chemotherapy.
While we were there, they brought a lot of papers on the chemotherapy that he was in no condition to read and tried to get him to watch a very hokey, superficial video on chemo. This video was a fscking JOKE that was mostly about women talking about how they lost their hair but, since they lived that gee, it grew in curly and darker and that was the best thing EVER. There was not one make patient in the whole thing but for the guy who was used to set up different hooks. Anyway, if it weren’t to save a life, the chemotherapy he is taking- I wouldn’t do that to anyone but my worst enemies. It probably sounds worse than it is… knock on wood… but it sounds like a B horror film.
And I guess he said some things to Mother that really bother me. The foremost began about their yard. I don’t know how they got on the subject but Mother said that one day this weekend he up and said to her: “If the yard gets to be too much, either hire someone to do it or sell it.” And Mother looked at him and said: “Oh, are we going somewhere?” And he said, “No but I might be.” It really bothers me because I am truly hoping that he hasn’t given up already.
Another thing is: He never complained about having any pain… and I guess this was going on for a long time before he decided to go to the doctor. But all of a sudden, he is on a good deal of pain medicine, so I think he was toughing it out and saying nothing. Why the fuck do men do these things to themselves? He could have gone in earlier, when he began feeling poorly. I don’t blame him for hating the hell out of doctors- they play god but then when you call them on mistakes they are all like “We’re not god”- but I just keep thinking that maybe it could have been acted on before it got to this. I don’t even know how long he was feeling bad- And I live right across the street from him.
Lastly- No one will give us a prognosis. I should think that would be something they can at least guess at but no one has said anything. They keep asking us if we’ve got questions and we do… but that’s not something you ask right in front of Dad, ffs. All of this has happened so fast- Literally within a week but no one will say whether the outlook is good or no.
Hospital
Father is now in the hospital. I had no idea that he had to go but he is getting a port installed for chemo and having his medicines adjusted. He has had a couple of breakdowns- who wouldn’t? And uh yeah.
So- I’m not bothering with anything that doesn’t help me cope. Deal with it.
Ok
Father has liver cancer.
The doctor *thinks* it broke off when they removed part of his intestines. Oddly enough, I remember they said he had cysts on his liver at that time.
Right now they say that the prognosis is good… but I find it hard to put much trust in the medical profession anymore, given all the jacking up they have done of myself and my family in the past 5 years.
Ramble, ramble
Hmmm.
Well, in around an hour my father hears some of the results about the CAT scan he had yesterday. I really do hope that it is just his medicine that is causing his enlarged liver but I am afraid, as an enlarged liver was his brother’s main concern and uncle Alvis has liver cancer. At this point, I don’t know what to think. I’ve sort of gone off the deep end again, gotten nerves and have had a hard time keeping down what I eat and have generally been a horrible bitch although I’ve managed to keep most of that to myself. I seriously can’t imagine how horrible it would be to be without my Dad, although my idiot mind likes to try to fathom it. Stupid brain.
I’ve seen nothing but good out of this on the Faerie Oracle cards, and I’ve found them to be very trustworthy and accurate, so I still have reason to hope everything will be OK.
Not much else to report in RL or game-wise. I may get forced into Resto… but it’s nothing I didn’t expect. We’ve lost a lot of priests recently, pallies too. At least I’m geared for it, should things come to that.
…
My father is feeling really ill and has to have a CAT scan Monday. The doctor says his liver is very enlarged. This has just happened over a period of 1 1/2 to 2 weeks.
I don’t feel like writing any more.
Ergh
I’ve been trying to get back to my old self, the self I had before this winter and all hell breaking loose. It seems that my bitterness just piled up over the winter and I’m still running with it, trying to express it or out run it. I put some hawthorn blossoms in brandy yesterday in time for the Full Moon and I swear I felt something shift, so maybe I’ll stop being such a raging bitch now that the season seems to have changed. I’ll try talking about hawthorn blossom brandy versus hawthorn berry brandy tomorrow perhaps. Maybe that will move things along too.
I didn’t work on the Faery Oracle cards this winter either but now I get the urge since the weather has turned. The problem is, I didn’t do a whole lot of introspective stuff during the cold times either, just ran away from all of the stupid crap going on in my family. I guess one excuse could be that there was a ton of nastiness going on but the truth was that I didn’t want to bother because I was tired of feeling anything and simply wanted to be numb. So I’m a bit behind in “waking up” this year and it’s entirely my fault. I am feeling like working with the cards now although probably not as ambitiously as I had set myself up for before winter hit. I suppose we shall see.
Tomorrow or so we are going down to the river to pick a pound of violet blossoms to make violet syrup. Good thing too as I am down to a quarter of a cup of last year’s batch. Mmmmm. So good in Assam tea.
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cats, 
