Why yes, I do think I should see the therapist… at some point

June 27th, 2007 at 11:36 am (Thoughts)

I think I am having unrealistic expectations of myself when it comes to the grief process.

You see, I am kind of so not right with this ambush thing that grief keeps swooping down on me with because it is so random and unpredictable. For example- I can just be going along, attempting to clean the house, and BOOM! Out of nowhere I’m on my stomach on the couch, my face jammed into a pillow, screaming, crying, and well, trying to suffocate myself. One moment I am totally calm, since I can’t say “fine”, for we all know I am not fine, the next I’ve fallen over the precipice. I accept that this is a very hard thing and I accept totally that I am, in fact, probably clinically-depressed. I guess we could say that it is good that I can sort of function and only get ambushed by grief but this is not right. Everyone grieves differently… but this is sort of scary.
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30

June 9th, 2007 at 2:10 pm (News)

So. Tomorrow is my birthday.

I never thought I would be 30 years old and without my father.

I can honestly say that I am doing everything I can to escape from the feelings his death has caused. They had to drag me away from his casket at the end of the viewing.

Sometimes I get the feeling he is around the house- especially my altar, where I put his watch, which I had ever since he went into the hospital.

I know it gets better but right now it is hard to fathom.

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Everyone Zen: Ger, Sigil