New Year, More Exciting Goals to Fail At
Well, it is the new year. Time to post some resolutions I will never attain be they ever so reasonable.
1) Lose 20# by the end of the year
2) Get rid of/get control of the stupid panic attacks I seem to have acquired from missing a week of my birthcontrol.
3) Write 700 words a week 49/52 weeks this year
4) Participate in NaNoWriMo again this year.
So. Yeah. I’m having panic attacks for no reason I can think of other than I missed a week of my active pills because of insurance idiocy. One of the side-effects of the pill can be anxiety attacks. So- I stopped the pill. One would believe this would stop the panic attacks, since they were probably what triggered them. No dice. Other than these attacks, I’m doing very well mentally and I can feel my regular self below it all. I have pretty bad days around when I ovulate and then on what would be day 1 of my period, which leads me to believe it is hormonal. I had a sheaf of papers sent to me that I had to fill out in order to see a shrink… they convinced me when I was very low that I should see one… and when I sobered up out of my first attack, I remembered why I don’t like shrinks- My first one sexually-assaulted many women sent to him (though not me, thank deity) and the second one I went to tried 3 medicines with me and then threw his hands up in the air and told me I should get electroshock- all for nutritionally-induced depression. So. I didn’t turn in the sheaf, which took its good time getting to me anyway. Then, seeing how the attacks became predictable but did not leave, I called to see it I could turn in my sheaf and be seen… only to be told that they were “downsizing their patient load” and hey, look up someone yourself in your insurance directory. Have a nice life. Buh-bye.
Well, that was my fault entirely there. I hate shrinks; I dithered: I accept responsibility for that. Called Joan today though and she will see me soon. She can suggest medicine to my GP and I can get it that way, I guess. I have been trying CBT on my own but on the worst days it’s not enough to visualize, breathe, and tell myself that it’s only a panic attack. On those days that shit snowballs into a massive crazy spell and I cannot calm down without the sad little pills I was given to tide me over to my supposed shrink appointment. Or rather I should say that the pills do nothing for the anxiety but sooner or later they make me so sleepy that I finally pass out. And only part of the pills because 2 doses at the strength prescribed knocks me on my ass for about 4 days.
Other than that, I feel remarkably good. No, really, I do. Once my 4-6 days of crazy a month are out of the way, I feel GOOD. I’m no longer deep in mourning. I’m no longer immensely depressed- well, except on the days I am having panic attacks because it’s really disheartening to go through that twice a month. They’re exhausting on every level of my being. But other than that- I’m Good. I want to be totally good. I will not accept having these attacks and I refuse to let them keep screwing me over.
cats, 
